meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize