I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
