Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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