I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
