I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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