Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
How external is "for external use only"?
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
