no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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