when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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