it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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