Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
