I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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