am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
