my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
