none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
