Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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