does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
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I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
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Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
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