I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
