It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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