We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
