i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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