i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
