WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Boobs speak an international language.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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