i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
