It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
