i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
