I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
