Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
We smell like vodka and hangover
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
