birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
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