did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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