Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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