Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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