she woke up with a sticky ear
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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