Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
