Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize
