The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
