peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
