just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
