He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
