I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
