there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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