god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Randomize
