wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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