I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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