We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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