It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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