he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
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