I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
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He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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