I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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