I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
