You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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