The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
