You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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