Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
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