alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
