My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
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"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
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i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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