If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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