She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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